sticking a screw driver in my heart and i'm bleeding for the feeling of you becoming a ghost in my past.
saying to not speak seems like a healthy move but this sadness i feel is a turn from god into hell
but i'll stay here to mourn the perceived loss
still stuck in this illusionary world
to miss you
goodbyes don't seem to have meaning
we're still together in god but i'm feeling weighted by human emotions
and the drenching of power to have walked away from your grip feels like a devis station
you are special to me but i won't tell you so now, it won't help to stop the sobs.  my own so loud in this dark house that the echos shake the blood dripping from my eyes
and i'll stay here until the time has come to forgive all thats happened
thats what time is for any how
to forgive
in this moment i'm giving birth to the drain-edge in the back of my throat collecting the pieces of you on its way down
my gut hurts and my tears come in contractions
here comes another now
goodbye

She sat in contemplation of the new information she just ate. The world of progressed intuitives were starting to gather in her farm house crying in high spirits. Eating bubblegum and twizzlers. Easter format contimued as if the speaker did not hear the disruption from the sky. The trumpets were loud…..but maybe I was the only one to heard them.

since there  is eternity "time" can not exisit
since there is no time then that means everything that has ever happened is happening now.  this concept is difficult for our egos to believe because the life of the ego depends on our belief in time.  but we are more than ego, we are perfect love minus the ego.
so, if everything is happening now because time doesn't exisit (its an illusion) then all wrong choices can be made right simply by choosing differently.
if we made choices that caused us anything but peace we can assume the choice caused us to drift from perfect love.
since perfect love exisit everything that isn't perfect love doesn't exisit (it to is an illusion).  we can choose perfect love instead of the choice that lead us to dis-ease and all the ramifications of said choice can be forgiven and peace will be ours.

when the abstract of love eternity and God is embraced for the reality that it is and the "concrete" of our everyday reality (reality because we believe it to be) is released peace will be restored and this illusion that causes so much confusion and pain will disappear.

poof

i ask to be a servant
to let the light of god pass through me
blessed to be around all of my holy brothers and sisters, the holy is in every eye i meet
i recognize the divine in you, will i recognize it in myself?
i hum bull lee pray to be a tool for the love of all
come to me, use me, call apon me
to heal is to share
and i want to share the love that has been forgotten within
the love i hid from for the experience of the ego
i critize myself for appearing lame because i don't have much to contribute to the conversations around me. my definitions need an audit. my mind a redo,
i must forgive myself for thinking i am less than that which my creator made me
i am not my creator, i ask to serve
let me have an avenue, a street, a court of sharing  and let me forgive myself for holding my heart down in the chains of bondage.
sometimes i think i like the bondage, the depths of the sadness a hole i can fall into but i like it only because of the safety it provides.  the safety is an illusion but i graviate toward that which i find comfort in and having not fully developed my compassity for love i don't understand truth yet.  i can perceive it.
correcting the thoughts, untangeling the knots
i ask the guides to help me choose correctly leading to true safety and not the perception of it.
thank you brothers/sisters for witnessing me as a part of yourself in god

this past summer i decided to stop numbing myself and feel
the feeling led me to the repressed molded parts of myself that had been suppressed and uglified since i preceived seperation from God.
i went to those places and ate them with my coffee and honey
and it got wicked
i felt rage and violence, i expressed it on my body
i felt elation and deconstruction, sometimes i'd fall from the dizzing deconstructing thoughts that left me confused about everything, even my fingers were strangers
i didn't sleep
i didn't eat
i ran on the fuel of the darkness, my eyes changed, my body changed
structures around me and anything without strength crashed away
my job was gone, my apartment was gone, friends whose ears popped from the depth left the water, the boyfriend who had had enough pushed me away saying, "just until u get better, until u get better."
i was wicked
i felt anger, anger i didn't look at or want to feel from before,
i was making up for so much time and the intensity was acute
i was in the middle of a spectrum, breaking the center point and all the emotions on both sides were absorbing into my body
somedays i thought i might explode
i had to cut to relieve the pressure
i felt i was experiencing what others suppressed and there for i was serving humanity, engulfing the unwanted
it was empowering
i felt brave
those around me were scared, the docs thought i was dellusional
i wasn't
i was real, from the outside it looked scary
sudden terror, panic that shook the hair off my arms, it was all part of the dance
and now?
now i'm through it
and now i'm ready to move on
isn't preception a funny game?
ahhhhhhhhhhh
thanks for letting me get that out

i wasn't implusive this time.  i felt the need to split.  i love him and excavating him from my body is painful.  i've come to a stand still in the process.  i've weeped everyday since... mourning the loss of him.


i think it was the right choice............................(sigh)....................................................


We’ve been swimming in each others blood for eight months. We’ve slept in one another’s cells. The weather has pushed and pulled our bodies together. Separating isn’t simple within.

  i didn't expect this much longing and hurt.
i miss your energy ramsey grissom, your presence.  i will always love you, uncondtionally

Directions
Whispered
So hearing them is difficult
Harder to see the audio
Further from my view

Never needing to choose
The way is already there
Not knowings the hardest part
Always beginning at the start

Directions
Are whispered
Can’t see them with my eyes
May as well be blind
Confused by time

Illusions deceive and rob
Faith built on sand
Faith built on land
Faith implies an opposite
I send it to the shredder

I desire directions
For my miscorrections
Fear wears disguises
Called everything except love
Fear is the cockroach that I keep feeding

if it is true that expression manifest reality within the law of attraction then i must clean up.
let me express the gratitude i feel for all the lives who have offered me love and prayers during this rough patch of my land.
there have been people praying for me since may and i offer humble service of love to everyone.
to all the gaia souls who have reached out and shared their experience and offered other ways to process these feelings  i am thankful.  my love is unconditional.

i don't have to know you to love you.  i can allow the love to fill me up, pouring into me and out through my eyes.  my tears evidence of the overflowing.

because of the contribution of tough love i received i think i am ready to feed the dim light inside instead of crawling within the darkness.

there is purpose for me and i will still exist even if i'm not in pain. i hope i'm still interesting and people still love me.  i hope i am original and artistic.  to laugh and share, to be one with

i have love to share, what a blessing i've been given

there i am just eating my soup
when the spoon drops and the deamon has entered me again
contracting my stomach it pushes the tears out of my eyes as i squeeze
i squeeze and breath , like contractions
i don't understand it
moments before i was ejhoying my split pea soup and now i'm overcome by this feeling of being invaded by a monster
sticking his claws in my head and twirling my chemicals around
until i'm broken again
sobbing on my bed
is this a possession?
a lesson that i don't own body or experience?
i have no control
i am but a puppet of all this pain
wearing it like my new geometric necklace
it isn't sharp enough to cut my throat
the pain is strong enough to knock me down but
not strong enough to take my life
so i endure and the monsters will return

the freak marked in pretty skin
onyx eyes and a body of venus curves
no one knows its a disguise
if they look at the onyx then they'd know i can't lie

i tell myself its all a dream
because nothing here means what it seems
secret desires cord from chakras to other chakras, i feel them
and my flick flack mind ramps trying to meet common ground
the sharing relation of medium being
sometimes my body is foreign and this worlds projections fall into me

i'm trapped
my body is no boundary for grime
it absorbs all alien and domestic pollutants

i don't speak, i don't form ideas to contribute to my collegues
i don't speak, i don't relate
causally i speak with new aquaintances and my ideas cause disturbance
to their nature
they have no response furthering the distance
maybe they see the freak inside
but don't we all just see in eachother what we are in ourselves

so maybe seeing the freak in me scares the freak inside of them they guard , so protected and suppressed
yes, i know that feeling, i suppressed for 27 years until it came out raging with inferno
thats when i grabbed my tools and began scarring up my body, screaming in anger with each cut
now i am trying to figure out how to feed my freak with out blood involved.